Friends with benefits

Love and Relationships Add comments


Something that I encounter from time to time is callers who have a ‘friend’, who comes and goes, vanishes and then shows up again unexpectedly, and also happens to be someone with whom they have shared intimacy.

The point when this person reappears is often when I get a call asking why they have made contact and what are their thoughts, feelings and intentions. The client claims to be ‘confused’. The harsh truth here is that in most cases they dont have any more ‘feelings’ or ‘intentions’ than they had the last time they were around. They are not calling you because they have suddenly decided that they cannot live without you, they are not calling you because they have now decided they want to pursue a long term relationship. Their intentions are the same as always – to have some fun, with no strings attached and to make an exit as soon as things start to feel a bit too ‘attached’.

Does that make them a bad person? Not at all! When you entered into this arrangement you were a willing participant. Even if this person verbally indicated that they were seeking more, if their actions did not back this up and you still went along with it – then you were agreeing to it.

Did they use you? If they did not SHOW you, in words AND actions, that they wanted a relationship, then the answer is no, they did not use you. They wanted intimacy, you agreed to it. They probably didnt say, ‘I am looking for casual sex with no strings attached’, but if you agreed to have sex with them without establishing if they were seeking the same thing as you, then casual sex is exactly what you were agreeing to!

Perhaps you have now fallen for this person and would love to have more with them, but consider this; They did not enter this interaction seeking a committed relationship. They do not want any more now than they wanted all along, and if you demand more, or try and persuade them to give you more, then YOU are the confusing one! You are the one moving the goalposts, you are the one who agreed to the terms of the interaction and then decided you wanted more.

Another important thing to consider is the impression you gave this person when you were so willing to sleep with them without defining boundaries. There are many unspoken messages in this behaviour. The first being that if you were that ‘easy’ with them, then you have probably done the same with many other guys. That may make you someone that they call on when they want some ‘company’, but it is highly unlikely to make you the girl they take home to meet their mother.

If you want a committed relationship with someone, make sure that they are seeking the same thing BEFORE you are intimate. Do not be afraid to ask them outright what they are seeking. If they tell you that they are NOT interested in pursuing a committed relationship with you – BELIEVE them. If you choose to then sleep with them, do so purely because you want to and not because you think it will win them over and change their mind. IT WONT.

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