Passive commitment phobia

Love and Relationships Add comments


Much has been written about commitment phobia and most of us have encountered individuals who struggle with anything that starts to feel too much like a permanent attachment. I cover this issue HERE.

But lets think about why some of us seem to always find ourselves attracted to that ‘unavailable’ energy and what it says about our own issues.

The opposite to active commitment phobia is PASSIVE commitment phobia. This often describes the people who are drawn to the active commitment phobic energy, not because they enjoy it, but because as long as they are pursuing someone who is never going to allow themselves to be caught, they do not have to face their own commitment phobia issues.

Passive commitment phobics will describe many failed relationships with people who did not want to commit to them, but almost all of them can also recall instances where they met someone who was 100% ready to commit, who pursued them, who was stable and consistent, but for some reason they felt that something was missing. Chemistry, magic, the spark – however you choose to describe the energy – it was lacking.

In many cases, what is missing is the danger. The adrenaline rush. That feeling that you never know quite what to expect next and as disturbing as that can be, its like placing all your chips on red, when you win the buzz is incredible – and addictive. If you lose then you hang in there and place another bet on red because at some point, red will win. The question is, when it comes to relationships, why would anyone do this if they claim to be looking for a stable, committed relationship?

Sometimes people have an unrealistic idea of what a solid commitment really entails. At best, its about compromise, at worst it can feel like a prison. There are those who enter into relationships with a fixed idea of who their partner is, based on who they WANT their partner to be. They have an idealistic view of what this relationship is going to be like, and will be disappointed and sometimes even detach if it doesn’t live up to their exacting expectations. This is sometimes hiding a form of passive commitment phobia. There was nothing seriously wrong with the relationship or the partner, but if any of us look hard enough we will always find an issue that gives us a reason to detach, and if we can blame circumstances, or the other person, then we can continue to avoid our own fears around commitment.

To someone with passive commitment phobia, the active commitment phobic is very attractive because they are never going to agree to settle down and stop running. The passive commitment phobic can then pursue and play the victim when their advances are rejected, whilst never facing the fact that underneath all that frustration is a core issue. They can’t commit anymore than the active commitment phobic can commit, their phobia just manifests in a different way.

Its a match made in hell!

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